Searching

Uneditied thoughts...
Why am i searching and looking in all the wrong places when what I really want and need is only found in the one place I dont want to look?
Why do i shy away from the one thing I know will help, and when the realisation hits then still it doesnt matter.
What I need is a life altering moment, a time when I knwo that this is the way.
Maybe I had it once and ive forgotten all about it. Maybe it was a time when I knew what I wanted and now I am lost in my own stubbornness or indecision.
For whatever reason sometimes things are fine and then something hits and its like all I ever wanted is no longer availiable to me, or all I thought I knew I never new at all...
this wontt make sense to many people it barely makes sense to me,
but i needed to write and to share the thoughts that go round and round in my head!